Day 23-27: Am i waiting to go to hevean, or am i already in hell?!?!

Ok, so this was a BAD weekend, not necessarily with my eating....which was also not to par with my diet plan (oops)....but with everything!  So i kind of left you all hanging on the last blog, but for starters my son didnt have pneumonia.  He has a "sinus infection,"  but OF COURSE by the time we got home his fever went away and his cough went away (not funny God).  BUT i am glad it wasnt something worse, and i am glad he is finally done with it, and NOT glad that it has now been passed to the next child.  I also ended up doing well on my test!  I cant remember my percentage but it was like a B+ so i am fine with that!  As for my mama...its ok news but not the best.  The cells they found in her breast are classified as PRE cancerous...but the type that they are is very dangerous.  If gone undetected it most definitely would have turned into cancer, and its also a type that can be reoccurring and spread easily throughout the body.  LUCKILY they found it so early!  They are talking whether they want to remove the tissue around mass as well as the mass itself, or if they want to go ahead and do a double mastectomy since our family history is so strong. 

So, DICK had the boys this weekend.  When i went to pick them up i pounded on the door for 10 min!!!  I wasnt early, he just didnt answer...why?!   Well the boys were knocking back on the other side of the door and hollering for mama mama mama!  Until i heard him stumble down the stairs rubbing his eyes...obviously he had been sleeping!  I was SOOOO furious!!!  The boys hadnt eaten since 1230 that afternoon (and i picked them up at 6!), and they were SOAKED through their diapers! :(  The next day i wrote him a schedule for eating and sleeping.  I came to pick up the boys and they were wearing the SAME diapers that they had been wearing since 7 am that morning.....8 hours of the same diaper is simply UNACCEPTABLE!  I am SOOOO furious!  There is absolutely NOTHING i can do, cause i have no money to go to court, and he has his roommate and friend from work lye for him, saying the apartment is clean and that he doesnt drink (both big FAT lies!).  I am sickkkkk just thinking about the boys being in that kind of environment and not being cared for like they should be!!! :(

Anyway, if you can believe that GOOD can come out of a horrible situation...i am at 240!!!!!  That is a 23 lb difference, and i ate horrible this weekend (steak and potatoes last night, and PIZZA the day before!), so i am hoping that if i dont cheat at all these next few days i wont be retaining as much fluid, and i will drop!  Hellz to the YEAHHH...alright i've tried....i just dont have it in me to be "hip," or whatever kids call it these days...

So Dicks family is coming in 2 weeks.  My short term goal is to kick off another 10 lbs before they get here...5 lbs a week, very ambitious but i am hoping that now that i threw in some exercise it will increase my weightloss...for now.  That right, i started walking/jogging.  I literally feel like my lung are going to collapse...doesn't help that that i have been hacking up my right lung with this cough (and no not literally).  BUT it must be done, the show must go on, and with 23 lbs down, 108.5 to go, and 338 days left to do it, there is NO turning back now!  Its time to pull out all the stops!  Its go time....ready BREAK!  (sorry, got a little carried away there)...

Day 20: Without the bad, there is nothing worth living for.....right? Hello? You're still with me right?

Well its a stressful day, and instead of feeding into my anger (quite literally), i have decided to vent to the world of bloggers for some support haha. 


So yesterday was the boys actual birthday, even though the party was Saturday, and i was astonished that their other side of the family didnt call, text, email, or send cards to the boys.  Let me first say that Dick's family does not like me.  The second that i broke up with him, things turned sour.  I have made numerous attempts to talk things over with them, and longed for their support with their son/brother, as i was seeking to get him professional help.  Dick is such a manipulator that he assured them that i was somewhat "crazy" and that he was perfectly normal, and that i was the one preventing him from seeing the boys.  URGH he makes me SO angry!  Anyways, i honestly could care less what they think about me.  I dont think that i was wrong for telling them what was going on, and for asking for their help in getting Dick some MUCH needed help with his problems of angry and alcohol.  It wasnt even about it, it was 150% in the boys interest.  They can hate me all they want, but REALLY?!  Grow up, right?  The boys are your GRANDSON'S and NEPHEW'S!  I am sure that they are thinking that they are going to celebrate with the boys when they visit, ,but i mean come on, you all could at least TEXT me saying "happy birthday boys,"  or something.  Yeah maybe they dont really know the difference this year, but in the years to come, that might really hurt the boys.  I think that all feelings towards each other should be put aside and that the boys should be whom the think about before acting childishly.  I even texted them a picture of the boys and told them how they had a wonderful bday, and still have yet to hear back from any of them.  I just wish that they would all go away completely.  The boys dont need the childish petty drama in their lives, and definitely are thriving well without them.  I hate that they can just come whenever they want, and be the "good guys" for the boys.  Its not fair that i am the discipline, and rules along with my parents, while their family is all fun and games letting them act and do whatever they want despite what rules i have in place for them.  This is going to hurt the boys in the long run, and i am so worried that they are going to eventually act out, and not know boundaries, and that they are going to want to go live with dad cause he is "fun."  it actually makes me nauseous thinking about it.  I know that maybe i put myself in this situation because of my decisions, but i do not regret having my babies, i just regret ever telling their dad that they existed and pushing and pushing and PUSHING him to be apart of their lives.  Anyways....there's that....ready for the next vent session?

So my mom might think i am being too open by telling you all this, cause my parents are very humble and modest, but my mother had a mammogram on friday, and they found a small mass on her right breast.  It very well could be nothing, but given our strong family history, its hard to think that way.  Just a portion of the women in my family who have had it are:  my granny, two aunts, my mom's cousin (RIP), and my sister.  My sister just went through all of this over the summer.  She is doing fantastic, despite having her boobs removed and replaces with gel....which actually look AMAZING haha...Oh by the way, if you have implants wait until its dark outside and put a flashlight up to them, and TADAAA you have your own little glow boobs ;)....  Anyways my mother has a biopsy this week and we will know hopefully by the end of the week if it is cancerous..

Hello God...we are still down here, in case you forgot!  I dont know how much more my family can handle at this point...i mean REALLY!  Alright, alright, i know He never "forgets" anyone.  But life is damn hard sometimes and sometimes its hard to see our Lords reasonings behind these curveballs.  Everything happens for a reason right?  I mean without bad, there would never be anything to look forward to, which in turn would mean there was really nothing worth living for.  We are fighters, soldiers of the testicles that are thrown our way, but even soldiers break down, and i am probably the weakest link even if i put on a brave face. 

Well, to top of the events that have occurred, one of my son's may have pneumonia.  He has a cough getting increasingly worse, and woke up this morning with a temp of 103, and rapid breathing.  It might just be a nasty cold virus, but being the paranoid mom that i am i am taking him to the dr at 4:30....oh right AFTER i take my test that i have basically had no time to study for. 

Well now that, ALL of that is out of the way, i actually do have a positive announcement to make...if you can believe it.  I have officially hit 242!  21 lbs down 110 more to go to be HALF of myself!  20 days down, 345 days to go!  The weight loss will start slowing down more, so no i dont think that i will reach my goal before the year is up, however, i am VERY excited that i am below 245, and only have 3 more lbs to go before i am back in the "30's" haha! 

Making up for lost times, i might be back on tonight to let you know what the outcome of my test and aiden's appointment are!  That all depends on time....if only there was more time in the day to get some things done!

Day 15-19: Quadratic equations, respiratory systems, and john deere.... oh and BRING HOME BRENDA!!!!

Ok so i know i said that i was going to try and post everyday, but life has been CRAZY!!  With math, anatomy/physiology, and the twins birthday (john deere themed), i havent had time to even think about food.  Alright, i guess thats not true, especially since i cracked and had some pizza yesterday at their party :/  But with that being said i am officially back down to 244!  With 5 lbs to go before i am back in the 30's, i can't really complain much about anything!  So here is an overview of my week:

Wednesday February 9, 2011

I had my doctors apt today, and though i weighed in at 247 i am still happy about my accomplishments, and he is as well!  that is a 16 lb weight loss and i am beyond thrilled, even if i would have liked the scale to say 244.  He talked about water weight and how there can really be up to a 10 lb difference with water weight sometimes, and that i need to watch my sodium intake.  I am glad that he was excited about my numbers, cause i was nervous that A. they would be even bigger than 247, and B. he was expecting something bigger.  But he was actually expecting less, which was really great to hear.  I did share with him my melt downs over food and snacks those two days, but he wasnt really as concerned as i thought.  I have to remember that this is NOT a diet, but a lifestyle change.  I can't say that i am going to NEVER eat bad food again, and NEVER going to over eat again.  I need to tell myself that its ok to have those things every once in a while, but that for the majority of the time i need to eat healthy and set an example for the boyzers.

Thursday February 10, 2011

I just need to tell you about my amazing "little" friend.  She is 14 years old, but such a young soul brings MUCH inspiration.  She is a mom or a 9 month old baby boys, and she is SO good with him.  She needs lots of prayers right now though, cause of the family situation.  Her parents are really not good people.  I am SO thankful that she has a really nice Aunt and Uncle that are helping take her in, and giving her a healthy environment to live in.  They are working out the legal details this next week.  If you only knew this girl, you could know how AMAZING she is, and how much potential she has.  She was raped at the age of 13 and out of a horrible situation, she was given a beautiful baby boy, that she loves more than anything despite the reason for his being.  She deals with the hatred of some children at school who dont know her situation, and whom call her nasty names on the internet, and throughout the school, yet she always has a smile on her face and many friends who love and care about her.  I am SO proud of her for what she has over come, and though she has many obstacles ahead i am confident that she will make good choices, especially if the living situation with her aunt and uncle works out.  Please pray for her! :)

The weekend of events!

So the boys party was a success!  They were so excited for all their friends and family to be with them.  Dick came too, which even though i hate him with a passion, it was good for the boys (i guess).  He was surprisingly non-Dickish which was pleasant compared to his normal affairs.  The boys had fun, and are definitely all birthdayed out today!  haha!  They arent used to that much sugar either!

OK, on to the next thing!  So some friends of mine are adopting their 3rd daughter from Uganda!!  this is the most amazing story!  They recently adopted two little girls from Uganda, and on their journey to pick up their girls, they met Brenda.  Brenda asked them to love her and bring her home with them too, to be her parents, like her friends, and they instantly fell in love.  They inquired about adopting her as well, but her mother had not relinquished the rights for her to be adopted and she was planning on moving brenda back home with her.  The Glanzer's were heart broken, but tried to find some peace with her returning home to her biological mother.  They were recently given the news that brenda had returned back to the orphanage, this time will all rights relinquished.  They prayed about it, and felt that God was calling them to her.  Though they have only been home a few short months with their girls they are happily starting the [hopefully not as long] process they have already been through once!  I am asking today for support in "Bringing Home Brenda!"  they are trying to raise funds to bring her home as soon as possible, and if you are in the position to do so, you can order a shirt through:  Www.bringbrendahome.com

If you have PayPal and would like to make a different donation amount, in which ALL goes to the Glanzers (vs. a portion of it when buying the shirts) please email me at Jillie_mama@hotmail.com so i can give you the details on how to send the money!  If you are not in the position to donate, please offer your support in prayer!  You can also email me notes to the family, and i will happily forward them to the Glanzer's for you :)  Thank you very much!!!

Day 14: Is it legal to throw a scale off the grand canyon?

So i did REALLY good yesterday and today, and the scale STILL says 247.  I am sooooo regretting that pizza and superbowl food from the weekend.  I want to throw it off the grand canyon, before i throw myself.  Ok, ok, dont worry there are two states in between Washington and Arizona.  Anyways, its been a very uneventful day.  I have my next doctor appointment in the morning, and i will catch up more tomorrow evening :)  Sorry for the short note, but i can hardly keep my eyes open, and should probably go to bed before i snap and give in to the urge to eat everything in the neighborhood. 

Day 13: Its either IBS or my body is pissed!

Well the weekend caught up with me, and when it hits me, it hits me hard!  Pretty sure my body it NOT happy with me today.  Much like drug and alcohol addiction my body was very addicted to food.  I think that it is hard to see over eating as a disorder, or even an addiction but it very much so is.  I was hiding food, and eating enormous amounts in a short amount of time.  I dont think i really even realized how much of a problem it was.  Stress and depression would bring it on, and there have been many nights that i will stop at multiple fast food restaurants and devour 4-5 meals at a time, within a 15 min period of time.  It made me feel better for a moment.  Like drowning my thoughts in the taste of every bite made me forget about everything else that was going on for a moment.  I didnt make myself throw up, it was literally like a drug.  Its embarrassing, and i have literally only told two people about this.  My best friend Christan, and my doctor.  Anyways, the point i guess it that it is a serious disorder, or addiction or whatever you want to call it, but it IS!  If anyone else out there is struggling with the same thing, i highly encourage you to talk to your doctor about it!  This life change for me has really showed me how big of a problem it actually was.  After eating healthy options for the last (almost) 2 weeks, my body was pissed at me for eating that junk!  Though i am still glad that i didnt eat as much as normal, man oh man has my stomach been in knots all day long!  It's like IBS, but 10x worse.  THIS is what i need to remind myself of every time i think about eating bad foods.

Anyways, enough about my bowels ;)  So my dad told me something the other day that i think really helps.  He said to me "honey, just take things one day at a time.  Its one drive right by that fast food place.  And one passing of the dessert tray."  Honestly, i think that is what has kept me from driving to ever fast food restaurant within a 100 mile radius!  Ever morning when i pass by McDonald's, i remind myself that i have just taken 1 step closer in my marathon to success.  I am excited to start a fresh week and see if i lose any lbs....which by the way has increased back to 247 :(  I know, that can be water weight, but i dont care.  I do not want to see another increase in numbers again!  I have 115 lbs to go, and 352 day left to get it done!  Lets get 'er done....ugh i HATE when people say that hahahaha!

BTW thank you all for listening to my rambling ;)  Thank you so much for the support and i wish MUCH success to my fellow dieters!  It really truly means so much to me! I was told this week about the movie Julie and Julia, and i have purchased it off of Itunes and will be watching it when i get the chance this week!  I will let you know what i think. 

Day 12: Superbowl snack's and mad Mama's

Ok ok, i don't want you to think that i am failing at this whole diet thing.  I PROMISE you i do NOT want to let my readers down.  And most importantly, i have come too far to let myself down, and my kids.  Today was really hard, probably the hardest day yet.  With family and friends surrounding me, and no babies to keep me busy, the smell of the Superbowl snacks wafted into my nostrils and i couldn't resist the tastiness of my dad's homemade soup and my brothers sushi, ok alright and half a BLT! :-/  Before you all get disappointed in me, or i get even more disappointed in myself, i want to reflect on how far i have come.  A couple weeks ago i probably would have had 3 bowls of soup, 2.5 BLT's, 15 crackers with cheese and salami,  and possibly 9 hot wings.  Today was a different story.  HALF a bowl of soup, HALF a BLT, 2 crackers with cheese and salami, and 2 hot wings.  I know that i over did it today.  I should have stuck to my allowed caloric intake. BUT i must say that i am still quite proud of myself for not devouring the entire smorgasbord!  I know, however, that i will regret my decisions when i step on the scale in the morning.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I am going to start the morning with my protein bar, and end it with a healthy salad with chicken. 

The best part about starting fresh in the morning is that my parents are going to start with me tomorrow.  It will be a lot easier to eat healthy, when i am surrounded by people who are eating healthy also. 

Ok, so i told my mom that i started a blog tonight, and that i posted the pictures of myself.  She was thoroughly mad at and disappointed in me for posting such revealing pictures on a public forum...gotta love mom's.  The thing that she doesnt understand is that this is something that is helping me accomplish my goals.  She also doesn't understand that though she maybe more modest than to publically display herself as i have on the internet, it is not wrong because i have a different way of thinking than her.  The thing about parents, and i have learned that it can be easy to do once you have kids, is they are so set in their own ways they want to try and form their children into being what they are.  Now i love my parents with all my heart, and they are GREAT examples, but that doesnt meant that i necessarily have the agree with their specific ways of thinking.  And beyond that, i am also not WRONG for thinking differently.  One thing i want to learn from that is that i need to make sure that learn from that.  I promise my children that i will guide them as best as i can so they can become the best that they can b, but when they are in their 20's and learning to make their own choices i am going to love them, and though i might give them my advice i will not be mad at them for their decisions.  Even if its something that i wouldn't do myself.  I still love you mommy (:

Day 11: __________________. (fill in the blank)

Feeling kind of weird today.  The boys were with their dad today and for the first time, they didnt scream as he took them away.  I guess i should be happy they weren't flipping out like normal.  Is it bad to be scared that they are going to like him more than me?  Its so hard.  I am soooo pissed that he was such a dead beat, and now he can all the sudden swoop in and be their hero.  Anyways, sitting here in the lonely house alone most of the morning, food was the last thing on my mind.  I am SO motivated to make this jerk feel like crap for ever treating me the way that he did.  Its time to start kicking it into high gear!  This week is the first week of working out, and there will be absolutely NO cheating! 

So, i stepped on the scale today.  Despite the BIG mistake that was made last night, i am officially 244 lbs!  HECK YES!  I know that my water weight can fluctuate up to 5 lbs, so i am going to try to not be discouraged if the scale says something different tomorrow, but heck i am SO excited right now that i dont even care if something changes tomorrow! 

So i know this is about me, but i have heard from some other people recently, and i want to know how you are doing on your diets and whatnot!  If you feel like sharing your story, success or in the process, PLEASE comment below, or send me a private message at jillie_mama@hotmail.com