Day 9: Peanut butter and vagina! (guys plug your ears...)

You know what is amazing about having kids.  You suddenly feel compelled to talk about your personal things about your children with other moms.  Our conversations turn from boys, makeup, and selfish things, to butt rashes, what color our childrens poop is, and how we get our kids to do what we want.  Oh but the glory of motherhood doesnt stop there.  After spending 9 months or so months with having our vagina's poked and probed at, in the most uncomfortable of situations, we tend to lose our sense of filtering in a social setting.  Girls have a certain bond with each other anyway, but once you are a mother, you dont hold nothing back.  Just tonight, one of my girlfriends told me that she has an unusual rash on her vagina.  Come on guys, grow up...its LIFE.  After discussing her problem, we quickly switched to the topic of, what other than...FAT.  Now i know that you are thinking that talking about fat is a LOT less gory and private than talking about a strange vigina rash, but for me i am feeling a little different at the moment.  This might sound crazy coming from a girl blogging about her weigh loss, and posting pictures of her gruesomely stretch marked, stretched out, and bloated body.  But the fact remains that i am still VERY self conscious about my body.  I can't even come out and tell my friends and family about the blog that i have created cause i am scared of confronting them after and knowing that they have actually seen my naked self, in the most vulnerable way possible.  I guess what i am really getting at, is that talking to strangers and telling about my story, is a lot less scary than facing the fear of failure in front of my peers.  What have i got myself into?  What if i can't reach my goals?  What if i gain it all back?  Are these thoughts (what i like to call demons) in my head ever going to evaporate?  I am trying to push these images of failure out of my mind and focus on the positive!  I have lost 16 lbs and i need to be thrilled about it.  Someone tell me that i am not losing my mind right now....the lack of food might be messing with my head right now....or possibly the combination of that and lack of sleep.

Anyways, after that, whats left to talk about.  Oh yes, peanut butter.  It has recently been brought to my attention by a follower of my blog, that i should try the peanut butter Clif Bars!  I think they sound absolutely AMAZING right now, and its taking ever last oz of energy to fight the hunger in my stomach from telling my brain that i need to make about 5 batches of peanut butter cookies and eat them ALL by myself!


I think i have lost it.  I am to tired to feel my finger.  New rule: Blog earlier.  There should be a warning on these things...."Warning: Do NOT blog tired!"  Goodnight folks, until tomorrow


247!!  WOOHOOO!!!  

Day 8: GIANT chocolate chip cookies! (oh and some new PICTURES!)

Well the "blue whale" may have just turned into an orca!  I was feeling a little discourages about myself today, until i started working on todays blog post!  I know, i know, i lost FIFTEEN POUNDS and i should have been ecstatic!  But instead i was looking in the mirror and thinking that "i still look like a blue whale."  No one could really visually see a difference besides my mom and sister, and lets face it, they dont really count seeing as how i am sure they would say anything to make me feel happy and motivated haha. 

FYI if you are dieting,say goodbye to any social life.  When i walk with my classmates to the cafe at my college, i think that i am literally going to break down into tears at ANY moment, cause the sight and smell make be want those GIANT chocolate chip cookies, and the devilish brownies, SOOOOO bad that i think i am actually going to jump the counter and eat every last little tasty treat behind the glass.  I have to hold myself back from wanting to strangle the cashier since i know they would prevent me from doing so.  The tears, are tears of pain, as i bite my tongue and use every muscle in my body to contain myself from an epic binge!  And even though its almost spring, all i can think about is how next thanksgiving and christmas i am going to have to chain myself to a tree in another city in order to hold myself back from eating the entire holiday feast before anyone else can even have a bite!  "goodbye social life.  Though you were scarce because of the twins, i am going to miss you!"


So i know that you have been waiting for pictures....and i want to say that THIS was what got me through today!  Like a said before, i was feeling quite discouraged, but once i saw the pictures i could actually see a difference in myself!  I know its not much of a difference, but it IS nonetheless!  So here you go...

Day 7: the high school "reunion"

So do i start with the bad, or the good?  Lets get the bad out of the way so we leave things on a good note.  Tonight i went the my old high schools basketball game with my dad and the twins.  The boys had a great time.  They were busy as always and more into dancing to the bands version of Lady GaGa's "Poker Face," but they were happy nonetheless.  Me on the other hand, was not so confident in this outing.  You see, i am from a small town.  And when i say small, i mean small.  Its a farmer town, where EVERYONE knows everyone's business.  As i scanned the crowd i saw endless amount of old high school classmates (and by old, i mean that i haven't seen them for the 5 years since HS haha).  I don't think half of them even recognized me, except for the few that realized that i am about the only girl in this town with twins.  If thats not motivation enough to drop these pound, then i dont know what else is haha.  It just makes me THAT much more excited to come back a year from now, HALF OF ME, and having them not recognize me cause i am a skinny hot mama, and NOT cause i am a fat tub of lard ;)

So are you ready for the good?!  i have lost..."weight" for it...FIFTEEN pounds.  In case you didnt read that right, blink your eyes, put on your glasses...YES...15 POUNDS!!!  Looks like my hard work is paying off.  AND i am NOT giving up now.  This is the longest that i have actually stuck with a diet!  I will hopefully be posting updated pictures tomorrow, so stay tuned folks :)

Day 6: Do i smell Bacon??

Woke up this morning to the best sound in the world; Bacon frying.  Ha ha, just kidding.  It was actually the sweet little voices of my boys calling my name.  Sometimes it’s still hard to believe that I am a mother of two.  They are so sweet though.  They get in my bed, give me kisses and hugs.  They look at me in complete awe.  It’s a love stronger than all others.  I can’t even explain how amazing that they are, and what they mean to me.  Those moments, are the ones that I am going to cherish for a life time.  That sweet moment was soon filled with poopy diapers and cereal all over the living room floor.  Got to love those little monsters! J  Those little faces make me so happy, I want to show them a good example and be a healthy mom.  Ok, I want to be a hot mama!  I want to be a MYLTFBNW (mother you’d like to $*@& but never will).  Come on all you moms out there, get with it.  It’s called text talk (or something).  Ok, all my attempts at being “hip” and “with it” are out the door.  When did I become a regular MOM?

Oh, right you want to know how I did today.  It was a lot harder than yesterday.  Where is that cake I was wanting before?  The hardest part about dieting is not getting to eat what everyone else is eating.  Wait didn’t I say something else was harder before?  Well scratch that, and add this. The hardest part is actually figuring out what you CAN eat.  How can I make a meal and know how many calories are in it?  Are there things I can eat that taste good, but are good for me?  Is anyone out there listening to this? 

Day 5: New beginnings!

WOW I did so much better today, and you know what?  I am STILL losing weight, but I feel like 10000x better!  I started the day out right with a meal replacement bar, followed by light soup for lunch, and shrimp and salad for dinner!  I don’t feel like I want to eat a blue whale anymore, and I didn’t even finish my dinner cause I was FULL….that has never happened to me (seriously, i think i am hungry ALL the time!).  This diet thing, it’s a piece of cake!  Man I wish I could eat cake right now.  What was I saying?  Oh yeah, today is not that bad!  Tomorrow is a whole other story….

So you know what i was thinking?  I was thinking that they should just ban all bad foods from the world.  I know today i am doing well, but it is so hard to lose weight!  Making the excuse of being a single mom is easy.  My day consists of fulfilling my 2 year old's needs, and homework.  I literally can go all day without eating and then FREAK out at night and eat the entire refrigerator!  I need to focus during the day on not taking bites of the boys food, and eating healthy throughout the day EVERY day!

Day 4: The Jack in the Box from HELL!

I didn’t have time to write yesterday, so I am writing today instead.  Yesterday proved how important it is to eat healthy and not too little.  After I hadn’t eaten all day, I put the boys to bed at about 8:30 and left to go stay the night at my best friend Christan’s house.  Since she went with me to my appointment this morning, I thought it would be easier just to stay there and then leave from her place in the morning.  First I will say that Christan is also losing weight with me, and she has already lost 15 lbs (WAY TO GO!).  Well last night, or rather early this morning, we were talking about how hungry were.  After going all day without eating I caved and we went to Jack in the Box.  I ate 4 meals… literally.  As I sat on Christan’s bed watching “I used to be fat,” (ironic, I know) I began to wonder what was wrong with me.  Oh but it came right back to bite me.  Right around 6 am when I felt a churning in my stomach.  It was like 100x worse than morning sickness, and from a different end.  I can’t believe that I blew it like that.  I didn’t tell the doctor about what had been going on either.  I was too embarrassed.  Why do I keep doing this to my body?  I gained a pound! He weighed me today and I was 256, but losing pounds doesn’t make me healthy if I am malnourished and then binging!  Revision to my life changing events:  scratch being a skinny hot mama; I am going to be a HEALTHY hot mama.

Day 3: Hunger Pains

Wow down 2 pounds and I feel like I am going to throw up I am so hungry.  Is this really worth it?  Can I do it this time?  I am so scared that I am going to fail, and let myself down.  I can’t think like this!  I need to keep my confidence and do this!  I am going to do this!  I think I need a smoke…just kidding mom, ha ha. 

Well, its 8 pm, and haven’t eaten enough calories today, and know this isn’t good!  I need to go shopping and start eating RIGHT.  I feel like I could eat an elephant right now.  You know what sucks most about losing weight?  You’re HUNGRY all the time, you’re grumpy because you can’t eat too much, AND you’re STILL FAT.  If they can perform open heart surgery and basically bring someone back to life, can’t they come up with some sort of pill that makes you lose all the weight you want in a day?  I promise I will eat healthy after I am a hot mama!  This is so hard, yet WHY am I NOT eating enough??  Am I calling too many redo’s?  I am going to drown my sorrows, and hunger pains, in my mountains of homework.