Day 13: Its either IBS or my body is pissed!

Well the weekend caught up with me, and when it hits me, it hits me hard!  Pretty sure my body it NOT happy with me today.  Much like drug and alcohol addiction my body was very addicted to food.  I think that it is hard to see over eating as a disorder, or even an addiction but it very much so is.  I was hiding food, and eating enormous amounts in a short amount of time.  I dont think i really even realized how much of a problem it was.  Stress and depression would bring it on, and there have been many nights that i will stop at multiple fast food restaurants and devour 4-5 meals at a time, within a 15 min period of time.  It made me feel better for a moment.  Like drowning my thoughts in the taste of every bite made me forget about everything else that was going on for a moment.  I didnt make myself throw up, it was literally like a drug.  Its embarrassing, and i have literally only told two people about this.  My best friend Christan, and my doctor.  Anyways, the point i guess it that it is a serious disorder, or addiction or whatever you want to call it, but it IS!  If anyone else out there is struggling with the same thing, i highly encourage you to talk to your doctor about it!  This life change for me has really showed me how big of a problem it actually was.  After eating healthy options for the last (almost) 2 weeks, my body was pissed at me for eating that junk!  Though i am still glad that i didnt eat as much as normal, man oh man has my stomach been in knots all day long!  It's like IBS, but 10x worse.  THIS is what i need to remind myself of every time i think about eating bad foods.

Anyways, enough about my bowels ;)  So my dad told me something the other day that i think really helps.  He said to me "honey, just take things one day at a time.  Its one drive right by that fast food place.  And one passing of the dessert tray."  Honestly, i think that is what has kept me from driving to ever fast food restaurant within a 100 mile radius!  Ever morning when i pass by McDonald's, i remind myself that i have just taken 1 step closer in my marathon to success.  I am excited to start a fresh week and see if i lose any lbs....which by the way has increased back to 247 :(  I know, that can be water weight, but i dont care.  I do not want to see another increase in numbers again!  I have 115 lbs to go, and 352 day left to get it done!  Lets get 'er done....ugh i HATE when people say that hahahaha!

BTW thank you all for listening to my rambling ;)  Thank you so much for the support and i wish MUCH success to my fellow dieters!  It really truly means so much to me! I was told this week about the movie Julie and Julia, and i have purchased it off of Itunes and will be watching it when i get the chance this week!  I will let you know what i think. 

Day 12: Superbowl snack's and mad Mama's

Ok ok, i don't want you to think that i am failing at this whole diet thing.  I PROMISE you i do NOT want to let my readers down.  And most importantly, i have come too far to let myself down, and my kids.  Today was really hard, probably the hardest day yet.  With family and friends surrounding me, and no babies to keep me busy, the smell of the Superbowl snacks wafted into my nostrils and i couldn't resist the tastiness of my dad's homemade soup and my brothers sushi, ok alright and half a BLT! :-/  Before you all get disappointed in me, or i get even more disappointed in myself, i want to reflect on how far i have come.  A couple weeks ago i probably would have had 3 bowls of soup, 2.5 BLT's, 15 crackers with cheese and salami,  and possibly 9 hot wings.  Today was a different story.  HALF a bowl of soup, HALF a BLT, 2 crackers with cheese and salami, and 2 hot wings.  I know that i over did it today.  I should have stuck to my allowed caloric intake. BUT i must say that i am still quite proud of myself for not devouring the entire smorgasbord!  I know, however, that i will regret my decisions when i step on the scale in the morning.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I am going to start the morning with my protein bar, and end it with a healthy salad with chicken. 

The best part about starting fresh in the morning is that my parents are going to start with me tomorrow.  It will be a lot easier to eat healthy, when i am surrounded by people who are eating healthy also. 

Ok, so i told my mom that i started a blog tonight, and that i posted the pictures of myself.  She was thoroughly mad at and disappointed in me for posting such revealing pictures on a public forum...gotta love mom's.  The thing that she doesnt understand is that this is something that is helping me accomplish my goals.  She also doesn't understand that though she maybe more modest than to publically display herself as i have on the internet, it is not wrong because i have a different way of thinking than her.  The thing about parents, and i have learned that it can be easy to do once you have kids, is they are so set in their own ways they want to try and form their children into being what they are.  Now i love my parents with all my heart, and they are GREAT examples, but that doesnt meant that i necessarily have the agree with their specific ways of thinking.  And beyond that, i am also not WRONG for thinking differently.  One thing i want to learn from that is that i need to make sure that learn from that.  I promise my children that i will guide them as best as i can so they can become the best that they can b, but when they are in their 20's and learning to make their own choices i am going to love them, and though i might give them my advice i will not be mad at them for their decisions.  Even if its something that i wouldn't do myself.  I still love you mommy (:

Day 11: __________________. (fill in the blank)

Feeling kind of weird today.  The boys were with their dad today and for the first time, they didnt scream as he took them away.  I guess i should be happy they weren't flipping out like normal.  Is it bad to be scared that they are going to like him more than me?  Its so hard.  I am soooo pissed that he was such a dead beat, and now he can all the sudden swoop in and be their hero.  Anyways, sitting here in the lonely house alone most of the morning, food was the last thing on my mind.  I am SO motivated to make this jerk feel like crap for ever treating me the way that he did.  Its time to start kicking it into high gear!  This week is the first week of working out, and there will be absolutely NO cheating! 

So, i stepped on the scale today.  Despite the BIG mistake that was made last night, i am officially 244 lbs!  HECK YES!  I know that my water weight can fluctuate up to 5 lbs, so i am going to try to not be discouraged if the scale says something different tomorrow, but heck i am SO excited right now that i dont even care if something changes tomorrow! 

So i know this is about me, but i have heard from some other people recently, and i want to know how you are doing on your diets and whatnot!  If you feel like sharing your story, success or in the process, PLEASE comment below, or send me a private message at jillie_mama@hotmail.com

Day 10: Disappointment, and unfunny blogs.

Well the morning started out GREAT!  My little munchkin woke me up at 6:30 and got in bed with me, until her heard his papa was up and getting ready for work.  In the dark and quiet house all you could hear is "papa?  paaappaaaa!"  In the most sweet quiet little voice :)  I love those little buggers so much!  The morning continued to go well when i stepped on the scale to read a number that i havent seen in months (maybe even a year).  246!  That it only 7 more lbs from being back in the 30's...well the 230's haha, but hey its progress and i am ecstatic.  Looking back on all the mean things that people have said to me about how i am fat, instead of being depressed about it and gaining MORE weight, i am using it as motivation.  I am going to get skinny and make "them" eat their words.  Mostly Dick.  He called me unrecognizably fat and a lot of other horribly awful things, but instead of making me sad, i am PISSED.  I am going to get healthy, and cute, and knock his socks off, and then the ONLY thing that he can do is regret having ever treated me the way that he did.  Anyways, my point is, if you are an emotional eater like me, try and harness that energy into something useful.  Turn it into fuel that you can use to burn off those calories and show them up!...but then that is often easier said than done, like for instance tonight.

I did good on my eating today, until tonight.  I have had a lot on my mind.  I want so badly to be done with school, and to have a house.  I want a real family, and i want to make more beautiful babies.  I want to be able to help people, and not just medically (i am going for my RN)!  I want to be able to help other women in situation like mine.  I have my parents to help me so that i am able to go to college and have a real career, but there are sooo many people that dont have that type of support.  Anyways, the fact that i am not there yet is depressing.  I am already 22 years only, my boys are almost 2!  All i can think about it how they are going to be like 8 before i can give them a real home.  And even longer before i can help other people.  alright i will stop beating around the bush.  I was depressed, and hungry...you do the math.  And for those of you "math challenged" that equals PIZZA!  yes depression + hunger = pizza....  BUT can i just say that there IS a difference this time.  Usually when i cheat on a diet, i give up.  I start to eat more and more unhealthy until i am back to where i started.  But this time, i am going to brush it off and start fresh in the morning.  I am not going to starve myself all day tomorrow cause i ate some pizza (and possibly a bread stick), but i am going to eat a normal healthy amount, and continue on like nothing happened.  With that being said, i am still extremely disappointed in my decision to indulge in the cheesy madness.  Well anyways, there's that.  And i think my body is about to punish me for my bad decisions.  "hello toilet, i think we are going to become close friends tonight..." 

Day 9: Peanut butter and vagina! (guys plug your ears...)

You know what is amazing about having kids.  You suddenly feel compelled to talk about your personal things about your children with other moms.  Our conversations turn from boys, makeup, and selfish things, to butt rashes, what color our childrens poop is, and how we get our kids to do what we want.  Oh but the glory of motherhood doesnt stop there.  After spending 9 months or so months with having our vagina's poked and probed at, in the most uncomfortable of situations, we tend to lose our sense of filtering in a social setting.  Girls have a certain bond with each other anyway, but once you are a mother, you dont hold nothing back.  Just tonight, one of my girlfriends told me that she has an unusual rash on her vagina.  Come on guys, grow up...its LIFE.  After discussing her problem, we quickly switched to the topic of, what other than...FAT.  Now i know that you are thinking that talking about fat is a LOT less gory and private than talking about a strange vigina rash, but for me i am feeling a little different at the moment.  This might sound crazy coming from a girl blogging about her weigh loss, and posting pictures of her gruesomely stretch marked, stretched out, and bloated body.  But the fact remains that i am still VERY self conscious about my body.  I can't even come out and tell my friends and family about the blog that i have created cause i am scared of confronting them after and knowing that they have actually seen my naked self, in the most vulnerable way possible.  I guess what i am really getting at, is that talking to strangers and telling about my story, is a lot less scary than facing the fear of failure in front of my peers.  What have i got myself into?  What if i can't reach my goals?  What if i gain it all back?  Are these thoughts (what i like to call demons) in my head ever going to evaporate?  I am trying to push these images of failure out of my mind and focus on the positive!  I have lost 16 lbs and i need to be thrilled about it.  Someone tell me that i am not losing my mind right now....the lack of food might be messing with my head right now....or possibly the combination of that and lack of sleep.

Anyways, after that, whats left to talk about.  Oh yes, peanut butter.  It has recently been brought to my attention by a follower of my blog, that i should try the peanut butter Clif Bars!  I think they sound absolutely AMAZING right now, and its taking ever last oz of energy to fight the hunger in my stomach from telling my brain that i need to make about 5 batches of peanut butter cookies and eat them ALL by myself!


I think i have lost it.  I am to tired to feel my finger.  New rule: Blog earlier.  There should be a warning on these things...."Warning: Do NOT blog tired!"  Goodnight folks, until tomorrow


247!!  WOOHOOO!!!  

Day 8: GIANT chocolate chip cookies! (oh and some new PICTURES!)

Well the "blue whale" may have just turned into an orca!  I was feeling a little discourages about myself today, until i started working on todays blog post!  I know, i know, i lost FIFTEEN POUNDS and i should have been ecstatic!  But instead i was looking in the mirror and thinking that "i still look like a blue whale."  No one could really visually see a difference besides my mom and sister, and lets face it, they dont really count seeing as how i am sure they would say anything to make me feel happy and motivated haha. 

FYI if you are dieting,say goodbye to any social life.  When i walk with my classmates to the cafe at my college, i think that i am literally going to break down into tears at ANY moment, cause the sight and smell make be want those GIANT chocolate chip cookies, and the devilish brownies, SOOOOO bad that i think i am actually going to jump the counter and eat every last little tasty treat behind the glass.  I have to hold myself back from wanting to strangle the cashier since i know they would prevent me from doing so.  The tears, are tears of pain, as i bite my tongue and use every muscle in my body to contain myself from an epic binge!  And even though its almost spring, all i can think about is how next thanksgiving and christmas i am going to have to chain myself to a tree in another city in order to hold myself back from eating the entire holiday feast before anyone else can even have a bite!  "goodbye social life.  Though you were scarce because of the twins, i am going to miss you!"


So i know that you have been waiting for pictures....and i want to say that THIS was what got me through today!  Like a said before, i was feeling quite discouraged, but once i saw the pictures i could actually see a difference in myself!  I know its not much of a difference, but it IS nonetheless!  So here you go...

Day 7: the high school "reunion"

So do i start with the bad, or the good?  Lets get the bad out of the way so we leave things on a good note.  Tonight i went the my old high schools basketball game with my dad and the twins.  The boys had a great time.  They were busy as always and more into dancing to the bands version of Lady GaGa's "Poker Face," but they were happy nonetheless.  Me on the other hand, was not so confident in this outing.  You see, i am from a small town.  And when i say small, i mean small.  Its a farmer town, where EVERYONE knows everyone's business.  As i scanned the crowd i saw endless amount of old high school classmates (and by old, i mean that i haven't seen them for the 5 years since HS haha).  I don't think half of them even recognized me, except for the few that realized that i am about the only girl in this town with twins.  If thats not motivation enough to drop these pound, then i dont know what else is haha.  It just makes me THAT much more excited to come back a year from now, HALF OF ME, and having them not recognize me cause i am a skinny hot mama, and NOT cause i am a fat tub of lard ;)

So are you ready for the good?!  i have lost..."weight" for it...FIFTEEN pounds.  In case you didnt read that right, blink your eyes, put on your glasses...YES...15 POUNDS!!!  Looks like my hard work is paying off.  AND i am NOT giving up now.  This is the longest that i have actually stuck with a diet!  I will hopefully be posting updated pictures tomorrow, so stay tuned folks :)