Day 20: Without the bad, there is nothing worth living for.....right? Hello? You're still with me right?

Well its a stressful day, and instead of feeding into my anger (quite literally), i have decided to vent to the world of bloggers for some support haha. 


So yesterday was the boys actual birthday, even though the party was Saturday, and i was astonished that their other side of the family didnt call, text, email, or send cards to the boys.  Let me first say that Dick's family does not like me.  The second that i broke up with him, things turned sour.  I have made numerous attempts to talk things over with them, and longed for their support with their son/brother, as i was seeking to get him professional help.  Dick is such a manipulator that he assured them that i was somewhat "crazy" and that he was perfectly normal, and that i was the one preventing him from seeing the boys.  URGH he makes me SO angry!  Anyways, i honestly could care less what they think about me.  I dont think that i was wrong for telling them what was going on, and for asking for their help in getting Dick some MUCH needed help with his problems of angry and alcohol.  It wasnt even about it, it was 150% in the boys interest.  They can hate me all they want, but REALLY?!  Grow up, right?  The boys are your GRANDSON'S and NEPHEW'S!  I am sure that they are thinking that they are going to celebrate with the boys when they visit, ,but i mean come on, you all could at least TEXT me saying "happy birthday boys,"  or something.  Yeah maybe they dont really know the difference this year, but in the years to come, that might really hurt the boys.  I think that all feelings towards each other should be put aside and that the boys should be whom the think about before acting childishly.  I even texted them a picture of the boys and told them how they had a wonderful bday, and still have yet to hear back from any of them.  I just wish that they would all go away completely.  The boys dont need the childish petty drama in their lives, and definitely are thriving well without them.  I hate that they can just come whenever they want, and be the "good guys" for the boys.  Its not fair that i am the discipline, and rules along with my parents, while their family is all fun and games letting them act and do whatever they want despite what rules i have in place for them.  This is going to hurt the boys in the long run, and i am so worried that they are going to eventually act out, and not know boundaries, and that they are going to want to go live with dad cause he is "fun."  it actually makes me nauseous thinking about it.  I know that maybe i put myself in this situation because of my decisions, but i do not regret having my babies, i just regret ever telling their dad that they existed and pushing and pushing and PUSHING him to be apart of their lives.  Anyways....there's that....ready for the next vent session?

So my mom might think i am being too open by telling you all this, cause my parents are very humble and modest, but my mother had a mammogram on friday, and they found a small mass on her right breast.  It very well could be nothing, but given our strong family history, its hard to think that way.  Just a portion of the women in my family who have had it are:  my granny, two aunts, my mom's cousin (RIP), and my sister.  My sister just went through all of this over the summer.  She is doing fantastic, despite having her boobs removed and replaces with gel....which actually look AMAZING haha...Oh by the way, if you have implants wait until its dark outside and put a flashlight up to them, and TADAAA you have your own little glow boobs ;)....  Anyways my mother has a biopsy this week and we will know hopefully by the end of the week if it is cancerous..

Hello God...we are still down here, in case you forgot!  I dont know how much more my family can handle at this point...i mean REALLY!  Alright, alright, i know He never "forgets" anyone.  But life is damn hard sometimes and sometimes its hard to see our Lords reasonings behind these curveballs.  Everything happens for a reason right?  I mean without bad, there would never be anything to look forward to, which in turn would mean there was really nothing worth living for.  We are fighters, soldiers of the testicles that are thrown our way, but even soldiers break down, and i am probably the weakest link even if i put on a brave face. 

Well, to top of the events that have occurred, one of my son's may have pneumonia.  He has a cough getting increasingly worse, and woke up this morning with a temp of 103, and rapid breathing.  It might just be a nasty cold virus, but being the paranoid mom that i am i am taking him to the dr at 4:30....oh right AFTER i take my test that i have basically had no time to study for. 

Well now that, ALL of that is out of the way, i actually do have a positive announcement to make...if you can believe it.  I have officially hit 242!  21 lbs down 110 more to go to be HALF of myself!  20 days down, 345 days to go!  The weight loss will start slowing down more, so no i dont think that i will reach my goal before the year is up, however, i am VERY excited that i am below 245, and only have 3 more lbs to go before i am back in the "30's" haha! 

Making up for lost times, i might be back on tonight to let you know what the outcome of my test and aiden's appointment are!  That all depends on time....if only there was more time in the day to get some things done!